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7 things boat life taught me about anxiety (part 2)

17/3/2020

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If you missed part one maybe go back and read that first. Otherwise here is part two!

4. Order spaces while you’re learning to order your mind:
  • Living in such a small environment meant that the messier it was the more irritated I was. Working in shifts meant if I didn’t make my bed when I woke up there was even less of a defined start and end to the ‘day’
  • I found if I was struggling with my mind space doing some laundry, folding my clothes back into my suitcase or cleaning the bathroom made me feel like I had control over something even if my mind was still messy.
  • Where physically in your life can you ‘clean up’? Maybe it’s a junk room or cupboard or perhaps just start with making your bed every day. Any little bit moving in the right direction helps.
 
5. Cooking can be enjoyable and bring routine to your day:
  • Cooking/food has always brought me a lot of anxiety. What will I feel like eating in two days? What’s on special? Is this healthy? Etc. Needless to say I didn’t enjoy it.
  • On the boat it was different. First of all the fridge gets stocked full to the brim before we leave land so there’s plenty of resources and secondly, you don’t have to pay for it. Thirdly, cooking is one of the few duties you have on the boat so you have to plan for it and you’re happy to with little else to occupy your mind. Finally, there’s no take away convenience from the middle of the big blue so if you want a particular food you got to use your creativity to create your own version. This was actually fun and gave me a sense of accomplishment I never would have had otherwise. It’s special to eat something as simple as a sandwich when you’ve had to make the bread.
  • I guess knowing how we coped without fast access to convenient foods it’s made me think of cooking in a more fun way. Challenge yourself to use the ingredients in your pantry to cook something or if there’s a food you always crave try to make your own version.
 
6. Incidentally learning mindfulness
  • In our everyday lives it’s easy to get lost in the sameness and reliability of familiarities (be that people, work, hobbies etc). When your sailing across the Pacific Ocean you kind of know this might be a once in a life opportunity.
  • Innately I started to make really solid memories so that I could recall this incredible experience for years to come. I can still remember the feeling of the wind on my face at 13knots, the sound of the sail flapping when it needed to be winched in and how luminous the stars and moon were without any light pollution. What I realise now is I was practicing mindfulness. Simply using all the senses to anchor in the present moment. When you do this you can’t get stuck in your thoughts of the past or future.
  • The reality is nothing lasts forever that is certain. Try to look in the full sensory experience of anything that brings you joy even if it’s patting your puppy. What does he sound like when he’s happy? How does the fur feel under your hand? What does he smell like? Note down all the details of what he looks like. Practice makes perfect!
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7. Being forced into deep connection and vulnerability:
  • Being in such a small space for 25days with no exist aside from being a snack for Mr Great White means people are going to see your good, bad and ugly. I was always scared people wouldn’t like me if they saw the depth of my ‘ugly’. What I found instead was, that was the part of me they also related to. It gave them an opportunity to talk about their ugly. It showed me true vulnerability and deep connection comes from quality time. The more you get to know someone, read their facial expressions, hear their stories, the more their ‘ugly’ becomes their beauty.
  • Challenge: Next time you feel a big emotion rising, instead of swallowing the lump in your throat tell your loved one exactly what’s going on…no filter, let the tear roll. Once you realise people love you good, bad, ugly and all the social anxiety dissipates, and you are more ‘ok’ with all of you not just the ‘pretty’ parts. If people don’t take it well, you know they are not your people and their clearing space for your tribe. It’s tough to trust but they are out there trust me!
 
This little glimpse at the slow and simple life showed me a little about why mental health is such a problem? Social media means we can distract we don’t necessarily have to confront, it also encourages comparisons, blows expectations up and blocks seeing human vulnerability and suffering. It can make us feel like we’re not doing enough, don’t have enough and just aren’t enough in general. Back in the day if you were the best in your town at something you were the best in the world as you knew it.  Know that I’m right there with you figuring it out as I go but hope this helps or entertains who ever has read all the way to the end 😊

PS: You are more than enough right this second! Be kind 
✌​
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7 Things boat life taught me about anxiety (PART 1)

11/3/2020

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​Before I launch in just thought I’d do a little recap. Back in 2016 I was in a high-pressure job working in children’s critical care as a fairly new physio. Essentially, I burnt out and ‘quit’ life. Literally quit my job and four weeks later I was on a plane overseas with no plan and very little saved. I found my way onto the sailing yacht, Indigo, ‘piggy backing’ off someone else’s qualifications and signing up to cross an ocean. I hadn’t been on a boat for longer than 4hours at a time let alone know how to sail. So, there I was on the other side of the world in an industry where I was a complete novice. How do you think my anxiety was? Well here I am sharing some incidentals I learnt about anxiety so you don’t have to do something crazy, like living out at sea for 25 days to learn!
 1. Identity plays a large role in keeping anxiety at bay:
  • Before I left if anyone had asked me, “Tell me about yourself?” or “Who are you?” I would say…I’m a physiotherapist. I do aerials. I live on the Gold Coast etc. Now put yourself in the middle of the ocean. I’m no longer a physio, I can’t do aerials and I don’t live on the GC. I am the least experienced person on this boat. I have no career. I have no address etc.
  • It made me realise I defined myself by things I did not who I am. My self worth was based on achievement not being a human.
  • So ask yourself what are your defining qualities? No matter whether you lose your job, change your address or get an illness/injury you still know who you are and the anxious voice in your head is kept at bay.
 
2. Technology is both a help and a hindrance when it comes to anxiety:
  • How does it help? Well it’s a perfect distraction from those pesky thoughts in your head. The voices get quieter when you can mindlessly scroll on Instagram or watch Netflix. Don’t get me wrong we had hard drives full of tv shows and movies but that only lasts so long…
  • So now you’ve watched all the movies on offer and those thoughts become louder. Not having access to news and current events was calming but personally, my anxiety got much worse the more I was left with my thoughts. However, truly hearing the state of my mind was a gift hard to receive still on the hamster wheel of full-time work.
  • Because of all this time/space I was able to journal a lot to get a clear picture, a starting point for how to improve it and read some great books about mind space.
  • Try writing down all your thoughts when you are in a think, feel, spiral or replace one episode of your latest Netflix binge for a self-help podcast or book.
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3. Routine is the antidote to anxiety:
  • As you may have gathered my tendency is toward spontaneity and growing up in a fairly structured home meant rebelling from routine when I moved out.
  • However, if you define yourself through achievements not qualities routine can be very anchoring.
  • I learnt that having a group of things I would like to start my day with gave me the flexibility I craved to pick and choose whilst also giving me an anchor to every day in a situation where certainty is just not a thing.
  • Minds like certainty that’s why change is so difficult. Take the fear away and write a list of all the things that make you feel good. Mine were exercise, meditation, cooking (more on that later), reading, yoga and writing. Pick 1-3 that you start every day with.


​To be continued...

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How Pole became my medicine...

25/9/2019

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“Last time I saw you, you had your legs wrapped around a pole.”
 
One sentence you never want to hear from your uncle and yet this is my life. I thought I’d write about why it is worth braving the stigma to be part of the incredible pole community and how it relates to my health being a physio/hypno/human.
 
I read a book called Dear Lover by David Deida. In it contained mystical wisdom and insight into me defining and understanding what being a woman means to me. This along with Brene Brown’s wisdom; the worst insult for a woman is she is less than beautiful and unable to attract, led me to one realisation.
 
Women yearn to be seen. I yearn to be seen. “So why do I hide my beauty and my talents?”
 
With the rise in the ‘me too’ movement I think most women can relate to being seen when they wished they weren’t and in my experience,  this leads to women associating being seen with danger.
 
In the pole studio, the more skin you bare the safer you will be as you can grip the pole more easily. In the pole studio, women of all shapes, sizes, colours and cultural backgrounds are all running around in the equivalent of undies and bras doing the same epic things. In this environment, we are seen lumps, bumps, hairs and all. In this community, we are celebrated for the incredible things our bodies can do and supported in revealing as much or as little as we like. We are seen safely and celebrated!!
 
Not only are we seen by others safely, we learn to see ourselves with more love and compassion. How can you hate the incredible body that allows you to literally hang from the skin of your elbow/knee/inner thigh/hand etc? We are finally able to see ourselves beyond skin deep.
 
Strength becomes far more important than cellulite. Feelings of accomplishment and freedom of expression become far more important than tummy rolls (that every-body has!!). As much as our instructors’ yell, “point your toes!” it is understood the bigger goal is admiring your body for how you can feel in it not necessarily doing a move perfectly.
 
How on earth can you possibly not gain self-confidence when you get a dose of that every time you go to class?
 
If that weren’t enough, growing up we hear stories of superheros who become alter egos and, in a way, ‘perform’ their super powers on the world’s stage. Well, hello showcase! Hello stage name! Hello self-expression and authentic self we think society won’t embrace. Whilst I still haven’t competed or performed pole at a showcase (my time is coming), social media has provided a platform where I can celebrate this facet of my authentic self and connect to so many of my pole sisters worldwide.
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Now to a more serious side of things…
 
Hanging upside down by the skin of the back of your knee is painful and a little adrenaline inducing because you could fall, hit your head and injure yourself pretty badly.
 
Now polers will know the first time you do a move it kills, you get a big bruise and you feel every ounce of it. Your system wants to protect you, it sends pain signals to alert you there is a potential threat to your safety. Pain=protection!
 
But it was so much fun you do it again next class and it hurts a little less until the move doesn’t hurt at all…why?
 
No, the nerves aren’t dying, they are just being conditioned this ‘threat’ is not actually  dangerous so your nervous system, calms the eff down and doesn’t perceive it as pain because you don’t need protecting. This analogy is also related to how unprocessed trauma can lead to persistent pain.
 
I was seen by someone I didn’t want to be seen by when I was very small. This ‘trauma’ was too much for my little brain to process and so instead it decided not to. In a way I dissociated from the experience and my nervous system shut down to protect me. I felt numb and empty and didn’t understand why. In order to finally feel, I compulsively exercised and loved the feeling of pain from training as much as the endorphine high. I also tortured myself emotionally by telling myself I wasn’t good enough.
 
Whilst feeling pain was assurance I could feel. Without processing the trauma, my system could only ignore it for so long. I had a similar triggering event after which I experienced central sensitization (pretty much my nervous system was on high alert, highly sensitive and gave me sharp nerve pain, numbness and pins/needles in my limbs. Even lifting my arms to do my hair was painful!) I went for numerous scans and was told by medical professionals it was ‘just my anxiety’. Unbeknownst to me at the time, hell yeah it was my ‘anxiety’.
 
My mind could only escape the pain for so long until my body made me hear it. I suffered for four years went on heavy duty meds and went to so much physio that didn’t really work. It wasn’t until I found a physio who focused on de-sensitising my system through pain-FREE movement and started to process this trauma through mindfulness and hypnotherapy, the physical pain fell away. It wasn’t until I treated myself with more kindness and compassion my physical pain stayed away.
 
Pole is painful in the best way. It allows me to both feel and release. It teaches my nervous system to distinguish between perceived danger and perceived safety. It makes me hella strong. It encourages me to embrace every inch of my incredible body. It gives me the freedom to be seen in a safe way. It unites me with a powerful community of supportive women and it’s FUN!!!
 
I share this so perhaps next time a stranger asks me “What do you do for training?” They will act with the same enthusiasm given to any other physically impressive task and understand pole dancing goes so far beyond the stereotype for me.
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